Electric Dreams
By Trevor Cole

Hydro One Updated Prospectus

—This short form prospectus constitutes a pretend or provisional public offering of securities that do not currently and may never exist.
—Certain statements made in this prospectus and in documents incorporated by reference in this prospectus constitute “laughable presumptions” and “hilarious misrepresentations” within the meaning of the Ontario Securities Act.


About this Prospectus
In this prospectus, unless otherwise specified, references to “Hydro One,” the “company,” the “tragic joke,” the “farcical burlesque,” and the “rudderless catastrophe” shall be understood to refer to the chief owner and operator of electricity transmission systems in the province of Ontario, a crown corporation with total assets (as of December 31, 2001) of $10.09 billion, revenue of $3.125 billion, net income of $375 million, and long term debt of $4.845 billion.

Forward-Looking Statements
This prospectus may contain certain statements which imply that the government intends to go forward to the future. In the aftermath of the June 11 political appointments to the board of directors, such statements should be understood to mean the opposite (see “The government would be going backwards to the future” — Richard Finlay, Centre for Corporate and Public Governance, Financial Post, June 10).
Statements that imply an assumption that the world as we know it will continue to exist, and may be preceded by the words “fingers crossed” and “if we’re lucky,” shall be understood to be in direct contradiction to the general mood (see “It’s the end of the world” — an unnamed Bay Street source, Financial Post, June 5).

The Offering
In this prospectus, any common shares, preferred shares and income trust units that may be offered shall be referred to collectively as “faery dust” or “tricks of the light.” Some securities mentioned in this prospectus may be offered and then withdrawn. Others may be returned half-eaten. Those securities which exist without corporeal form shall be termed “one of Ernie’s 2 a.m. ideas.”

Plan of Distribution
Pursuant to an agreement among the company and a fast-dwindling number of willing underwriters, securities that actually exist may be distributed on a “bought deal” basis in compliance with all legal requirements, or alternatively by means of a “large purple piñata” suspended over Queen’s Park. Chimerical securities, or securities that exist as tokens of revenge, will be distributed by means of “psychic dissemination” as the unsuspecting populace sleeps. Securities that do not exist in any form will still be sold, but without any real conviction.

Principle Risk Factors
Due to the imaginary nature of the securities involved, any investment in the rudderless catastrophe should be considered speculative. In addition, the following factors should be taken into consideration by prospective investors:

The risk of security leaks. A company’s performance and value can hinge on highly sensitive information, and some private conversations between company officials may turn out to be only 49% private.

The risk of ownership: Securities purchased or otherwise acquired (“caught spilling from the piñata”) in the earliest phase of distribution may subsequently be difficult to sell (see “There’s not a soul on the face of this Earth who would buy shares in this company” — unnamed Bay Street source).

The risk of uneven board influence. Directors of a company do not all weigh the same amounts. Former director Dona Harvey, for instance, was deemed to be far too light (see “If I hit her with my car, I wouldn’t know it” — Environment and Energy Minister Chris Stockwell, The Globe and Mail, June 6). Some directors, such as current CEO and ex officio member Eleanor Clitheroe, may not respond as wished (see “She won’t roll over and die” — former director Doug McCaig, Financial Post, June 6). Former premier Bob Rae, experienced in running government-owned hydro companies (see “$38-billion disaster” — Richard Finlay) may be shouted down only half the time.

The risk that Chris Stockwell will get another letter. We acknowledge that the idea of turning Hydro One into an income trust came to Mr. Stockwell in the mail. Mr. Stockwell also receives grocery coupons and magazine subscription offers this way. There is no way of knowing what new arrival will tickle the Minister’s fancy and lead directly to another “option” with regard to the future of Hydro One, though the prospective investor should assume that a handsome clock radio will be involved.

The risk that the Ontario Superior Court won’t intervene. One of these days, in an effort to privatize some portion of Hydro One — though an income trust, a not-for-profit gizmo, a bobble-head doll giveaway — we may inadvertently succeed.