Teacher’s Pet
By Trevor Cole


From: Bill Smale, CEO, Specter Corp.
To: All staff – 10:45 a.m.
Re: Claude Lamoureux
It is my pleasure, and privilege, to inform you that Claude Lamoureux, the CEO of the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan Board, will be visiting our offices in person tomorrow morning. It goes without saying that I would like you all to be on your best behavior. Mr. Lamoureux is a very powerful man who became even more so a few months ago when the nation’s lawmakers, in their wisdom, amended the Canada Business Corporations Act. Now that organizations such as Mr. Lamoureux’s may share their views freely with other institutional shareholders, they will have a much easier time challenging the management of companies such as ours and imposing their benevolent will. So it behooves all of us to present to Mr. Lamoureux as professional a face as possible during his very exciting and, in all probability, lengthy visit.

To: All staff – 1:32 p.m.
Re: Positive messages
Our executive VPs Craig Finley and John Wallman have helpfully compiled a list of greetings and pleasant statements with which you may address Mr. Lamoureux tomorrow should you happen to encounter him as he proceeds from his car to my office. These statements have been vetted by me personally and adherence to them is strongly advised.
1. Hello, Mr. Lamoureux, you are looking very trim as usual.
2. Your speech to the National Club last April was inspired, Mr. Lamoureux, and you’re right – employee stock option plans can lead to excessive dilutions.
3. Mr. Lamoureux, those glasses you’re wearing are particularly attractive. Are they Sergio Tacchini?
4. That 30% ownership cap sure is a meddlesome constraint, Mr. Lamoureux. We wish you could own 50% of our voting stock.
5. Institutional investors rule! (Use only if Mr. Lamoureux is rushing by. For God’s sake don’t shout it in his face.)

To: All staff – 2:17 p.m.
Re: cats
We’ve just learned that Mr. Lamoureux is a cat lover. So feel free to redecorate your walls and cubicles with the plethora of cute cat posters I too-hastily directed you to rip down last month. If you happened, in your anger, to destroy your cat posters by shredding them or using them to plug the executive toilets, the company will happily reimburse you for any posters purchased and mounted prior to 8:15 a.m. tomorrow.

To: All staff – 2:43 p.m.
Re: Dress options
Mr. Lamoureux is a conservative investor. He appreciates prudence and formality in corporate conduct. Please, for once, try to dress up a little. No fleece.

To: All staff – Urgent – 3:06 p.m.
Re: cat posters
Mr. Lamoureux is, in fact, not a cat lover. The information we received earlier was a vicious rumour meant to destabilize our ingratiatory efforts. The cat poster directive is hereby reversed. Get rid of them! Get rid of them!

To: All staff – 3:47 p.m.
Re: staying calm
The popular notion that I am panicking with regard to Mr. Lamoureux’s visit tomorrow is inaccurate and, frankly, disturbing. It suggests that there is a loose and destructive kind of group-think at work among you that can have nothing but negative consequences for this organization. Let me remind you, ladies and gentlemen, that this man could have our asses in a sling by sundown if he wanted to. So I suggest that all of you just shut your mugs and get with the program.

To: All staff – 4:20 p.m.
Re: Ron Handle
The board has asked me to inform you that C.F.O Ron Handle will be meeting with Mr. Lamoureux tomorrow as something has come up in Murmansk that requires my immediate attention. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Please, I’m begging you, be good.