Whittlin
By Trevor Cole

From: Harry Manse, special projects, Nortel
To: John Roth, CEO
Re: Image fix
Ever since the kumquat hit the fan over those wacky profit warnings, John, I’ve been sitting way down here in special projects — as far from the nifty in-house gym and juice bar as a body can get, mind you — thinking about what we could do to spank up your image. Whew, overnight you’ve gone from national golden boy to the CEO Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight. It’s a pickle. Even now there are mutual fund managers sticking their Palm Pilot styli into the bellies of ugly cloth dolls. But fear not, I’ve come up with a solution, and it’s all thanks to John Cleghorn.

Who ever imagined that a banker could be lovable? But you’ll notice, as soon as Cleghorn said he was quitting to spend more time with his banjo, his press took on this rosy glow. He might be a filthy rich S.O.B. just like you, but that banjo makes him even more regular than regular people. Suddenly he’s a guy you could sit on a porch with, sipping lemonade. It’s a pity someone over there at RBC didn’t think to make use of this around merger time, when it could have done him some good.

Anyway, Cleghorn’s got his banjo — and what have you got? A bunch of pricey, high-powered sports cars ain’t gonna cut it, John. People see you standing beside some rumbling Porsche or Shelby Cobra, and they’re gonna think, “Hey, that guy’s just fixing to get out of town, and leave us holding the kumquat!” What you need is a down-home, feel-good hobby, to make you likeable again. And I’ve got just the thing: whittlin’.

Frankly John, and I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but you look like a guy who’d like whittlin’. You’ve got whittlin’ all over your face. And right now, with people spooked about technology stocks and everything fibre optical, whittlin’s just the thing to ease their minds, to take them back to the good old days of fresh corn and barn dances. You don’t even need to actually whittle, per se, although it couldn’t hurt to buy a bone-handle jackknife and a couple of sticks of beechwood. All you really need to do is once in a while, when you’re talking to a reporter, drop in this gem: “’Course, after a board meetin’, what I really like to do is sit out on the stoop and do some whittlin’.” I’m telling you, people will eat it up! You’ll be back to golden boy before plantin’ time.

From: Bill Byers, Legal Dept.
To: John Roth; CC: Harry Manse
Re: Whittlin’ queries
Harry’s filled me in on his whittlin’ idea, John, and I have to say it sounds pretty good. But before you go ahead, we need to check whether any other CEOs have registered whittlin’ as their official hobby. Intellectual property law is a bit hazy in the area of pleasurable pastimes; it’s better to be safe. Also, insurance could be an issue. What happens if you’re whittlin’ some night and you take off a thumb? Who pays for that? Might help to get some certification. We’ll see if there’s any whittlin’ associations willing to fast-track you.

From: Harry Manse
To: Bill Byers; CC John Roth
Re: Whittlin’ conflicts
I’ve already done the CEO hobby check. What do you think I’ve been doing down here for the past month, crunching my abs? There’s one case of huntin’, two for fishin’ (fly and deep-sea). The closest we get to a conflict is one instance of carvin’. But I don’t think it’s a worry; that guy’s pretty old.

From: Jamie Crouse, Communications Dept.
To: Harry Manse
Re: Whittlin’ clarification
Is “whittlin’” the official spelling? You’re sure it’s not “whittling”? I just know I’m going to get questions on this. Also, isn’t whittlin’ something they did in the Depression?

From: Wanda Rinaldo, Cleaning Dept.
To: John Roth
Re: My time and trouble
What’s all this I’m hearing about “whittlin’”? If you think I’m going to be cleaning up a pile of little bitsy wood scrapings every night you’ve got another think coming mister. No vacuum’s going to take that stuff out of the carpet — I’ll be down on my hands and knees picking every one of them out with a tiny pair of tweezers. No sir!

From: Harry Manse
To: John Roth; CC Wanda Rinaldo, Bill Byers, Jamie Crouse
Re: Whittlin’s out
Right. How ‘bout whistlin’?